I don’t know if I am just tired or if my feelings about the first day are valid feelings. My insides cannot decide if they are happy because I am finally a teacher or if I am a little bummed that I am not with the little bitties. Transitions are hard for me. I don’t like change, especially when that change happens in a way I did not expect, imagine, or (frankly) even consider. And that’s were I am. A state of lostness. The lostness monster feelings. (Now, I am a well educated adult and fully well know the real term is Loch Ness so don’t go judging me on my geographic terminology.)
I got to school incredibly early. I got everything done that had planned to in that amount of time. I made the students stand outside the room so that I could greet them all individually. A textbook move. We practiced procedures. We practiced procedures. We practiced procedures. We went over the rules.
My rendition of “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” went swimmingly until it was time to do the paper about what we want to do with our lives after fourth grade and after we finish school. I hadn’t really quite thought out what I should say. There was a lot of clarity issues in terms of what I expected from the work. I have to teach that soon. I actually made it to specials, lunch, and the school assembly on time. I was, in fact, early to assembly. I feel as though my above average-ness ended there. The rest of the day I felt good enough at best. And good enough is just not good enough. I have to be more that good enough. Good enough doesn’t prove that I deserve to be where I am. It doesn’t prove that the principal made the right call. It doesn’t live up to the recommendations others have given about me. It doesn’t work for me. It isn’t good enough for me. I know tomorrow I will be better than I was today because I cannot go through a day without being better than before but how much better will I have to be to live up to the standards I hold for myself and expect others to hold me to? The fact that I cannot make that difference up overnight kills me. I have about 2 weeks before the school board has to approve my being hired. That, in my mind, means two weeks to not only get to where I need to be but to hold that long enough that it is obvious I should stay. Two weeks of doing something you have not ever done or seen done since you were 11 years old is not enough time to become good at it.
I don’t know what exactly to do and I hate that.