The First Day and the Lostness Monster Feelings

I don’t know if I am just tired or if my feelings about the first day are valid feelings. My insides cannot decide if they are happy because I am finally a teacher or if I am a little bummed that I am not with the little bitties. Transitions are hard for me. I don’t like change, especially when that change happens in a way I did not expect, imagine, or (frankly) even consider. And that’s were I am. A state of lostness. The lostness monster feelings. (Now, I am a well educated adult and fully well know the real term is Loch Ness so don’t go judging me on my geographic terminology.)

I got to school incredibly early. I got everything done that had planned to in that amount of time. I made the students stand outside the room so that I could greet them all individually. A textbook move. We practiced procedures. We practiced procedures. We practiced procedures. We went over the rules. 

My rendition of “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” went swimmingly until it was time to do the paper about what we want to do with our lives after fourth grade and after we finish school. I hadn’t really quite thought out what I should say. There was a lot of clarity issues in terms of what I expected from the work. I have to teach that soon. I actually made it to specials, lunch, and the school assembly on time. I was, in fact, early to assembly. I feel as though my above average-ness ended there. The rest of the day I felt good enough at best. And good enough is just not good enough. I have to be more that good enough. Good enough doesn’t prove that I deserve to be where I am. It doesn’t prove that the principal made the right call. It doesn’t live up to the recommendations others have given about me. It doesn’t work for me. It isn’t good enough for me. I know tomorrow I will be better than I was today because I cannot go through a day without being better than before but how much better will I have to be to live up to the standards I hold for myself and expect others to hold me to? The fact that I cannot make that difference up overnight kills me. I have about 2 weeks before the school board has to approve my being hired. That, in my mind, means two weeks to not only get to where I need to be but to hold that long enough that it is obvious I should stay. Two weeks of doing something you have not ever done or seen done since you were 11 years old is not enough time to become good at it. 

I don’t know what exactly to do and I hate that. 

12:24 a.m.

I am finally satisfied with my plans for tomorrow. I typed it all up. Once on the weekly schedule and once in a fully written out detailed schedule of the day that basically tells me what to say word for word. I know I won’t use that one during the day but I had to think it all through like that. 

I know I planned way more than I will have time for. It’s okay though. I have all week that still needs planing! 

My student teaching mentor teacher texted me earlier this evening telling me she knew I would be great. I nearly cried right there at my other job in front of my co-workers who are not crazy emotional and stressed out enough to understand why this little gesture of kindness would make me flood the room. I keep telling myself, “if my mentor teacher thinks I can do this, I can do this.” I mean, I honestly think she is the best teacher in the world and if she says it’s true, it must be pretty close to the truth. 

I am also leaning on the fact that the principal of the elementary school told the intermediate principal, at least, that I was good enough for the job. She’s the principal so she must have done something right along the line. Also everyone I have talked to says she is a pretty great principal. 

I will take these two extraordinary ladies’ words for it. I couldn’t have better people believing in me. I may not feel ready for the first day but I think I sort of, kind of, maybe, just may be ready. I’ll let you know! 

Tomorrow is a Day Away

As I sit outside my other job getting ready to work until 10 tonight, drive an hour home, and get up for school at 5:30, my anxiety is growing. What do I know about fourth grade? I will tell you. Almost nothing! I keep changing my plans in my head. I think through certain things and realize they might not work or they might take more or less thine than I think. I really don’t know, though. Fourth grade! 

I was definitely not this nervous my first day of student teaching… Which tells you something because I didn’t sleep at all the night before that! 

Well here we go. I have less than 24 hours before my first day as teacher is here and gone. It’s the craziest thought I have ever had to accept. I don’t think I quite have yet honestly…